Monogamy or Monotony?

THE VILLAGE VOICE -- Aug 30 -- "I prefer to cheat with other married people because they have as much to lose as me typically" says a 35-year-old executive at a large corporation in midtown Manhattan. Married for seven years, he and his wife have sex twice a week. He cheated for the first time with another married woman he met through the Ashley Madison Agency. He's one of over a million members of Ashley Madison, which—like Married Secrets, Affair Match, Discreet Adventures and International House of Wives—caters to cheaters. The company's founder, Darren Morgenstern wanted to offer a service where folks could be up-front about their marital status.  Membership costs $240 for three months. Sites like Ashley Madison tap into a very profitable niche within the online personals arena by bringing honesty to the dishonest practice of cheating. Statistics show that 12% to 25% of women and 22% to 60% of men cheat.

The full article was originally published at Village Voice, but is no longer available.

Mark Brooks: Sexsearch is into threesomes. AdultFriendFinder markets to swingers. Polymatchmaker also.  In some ways Ashley Madison, and others are providing a service to the dating industry by soaking up the marrieds that would otherwise venture onto mainstream dating sites and give them a bad reputation. By their mere existence they also encourage infidelity.  Do these services provide a useful public service? For or against? Your comments please.

Comments

[Sharon]

That's just plain evil..... No wonder people dont take marriage seriously nowadays....

[Lauren]

I think it might depend on the couple. I wouldn't say that I would try it out, but maybe for some people it's the right choice?

[andy bailey]

it's like saying a whorehouse encourages prostitution, it kinda does but at least it makes it clean. It's the same with infidelity and these dating sites, at least they're honest about being dishonest. (plus it would be easier for a lawyer to prove someone has been unfaithful if they register with their real details!)

I bet private detectives and divorce lawyers love the idea ;-)

I don't.

[Julie]

Cheating is natural for people who cannot be stable.

They need new emotions. The fact that there are a lot
of sites for such people shows that it's a demanded dating niche.

The market answers the needs of the audience and profits from cheating.
But someone said once that Money do not smell and that's why we cannot
blame those people.

[TerraPraeta]

I don't like the idea of cheating.

But at the same time, I'm really not convinced that people are meant to mate for life.

If our culture was a little more open to other alternatives, I think that instances of cheating would drop dramatically, as people would be able to explore thier sexuality without having to hide themselves.

As to the sites... well, yeah, the first really is like a whorehouse, in that it provides a safe and clean environment for behaviors that our culture disapproves of. But at the same time, it also glorifies 'cheating' rather than offering another alternative. The swingers sites, however, ARE exploring other possibilities, so I'm all for that.

tp

[Mark Brooks]

If a man or woman is interested in having an extramarital affair then that is probably because of a stream of discontent with their relationship.

I think, as a society, we're not set up for success. The media feeds us streams of photoshopped images of models and movie stars, and society tells us to always try and do better. Discontent bubbles inside us and contributes to an epidemic of depression and anxiety.

Many animals mate for life, but none of those animals live 80+ years. Are we really meant to be monogamous for life? For the majority the answer, in reality, would be no.

However, it doesn't have to be this way. Marriages CAN last a life time. They do. ~Half of all marriages 'fail,' but 5% last 50 years or more. Happy marriages can't be built on a bed of discontent, or untruths, or cheating. At some stage you have to commit, and then be creative keeping the chemistry and sparks flying.

How can the internet dating industry help?

1. Personality profiling based sites should indicate the potential failure modes of a relationship. My hat's off to eHarmony's Marriage product.

2. We need to be more open about sex, and sexual preferences. The most common causes of discontent in relationships are family, money and sex. We can help with the sex part by matching people on their libido levels and sexual preferences. Hat's off to TRUE's sexploration test.

3. Let's help people get the first stages of their relatinoship right. That means being honest about who they are, having a truly expressive profile and accurate photos. My hat's off to LookBetterOnline.com's service.

4. Let's find good educational and enlightening content on relationship building. People need to learn how to adjust their expectations in many cases and learn how to build a happy relationship; communicate better and be more creative. My hat's off to Match.com for their LoveHappens magazine and for partnering with Dr Phil for his advice.

5. Let's remove old profiles sooner. If they're not responding, push them down to the bottom of the search results or remove them completely so users can be more productive and find their right person a little more easily without wading through millions of dud profiles. My hat's off to Markus at Plentyoffish.com for this.

[Bonnie]

I have never read such garbage. If you are going to be married then monogomy is part of the agreement. If you want multiple partners...don't bother. Get your ass out there and quit hiding behind having a wife or husband.

[Kathryn Lord]

Interestingly, just this morning I had a comment posted to my blog (Find-a-Sweetheart.com/blog) from an "I hadn't heard of it before" website geared for people interested in sex only. Here's a copy of the comment I posted in reply:

'While I would usually remove a comment like the previous one for being too "down and dirty" for my site, I'm not taking this one out because it relates directly to my original post and provides another resource for those looking for "just sex."

'I have been a psychotherapist for almost 30 years -- Romance Coach is a new incarnation starting five years ago. My specialty in my mental health practice was working with couples where there had been an affair. I am in no way in favor of affairs as a way to handle marital discontent or boredom. An affair is an incredibly vicious and nasty attack on the marriage and the betrayed partner. But as a Romance Coach who specializes in Internet dating issues, I want to get the folks who are married or and looking for a sex partner off the regular dating sites. They are a menace to seriously looking singles and threaten the success of dating sites long term.'

Here's a link to my original blog posting: http://www.find-a-sweetheart.com/blog/item/where_to_go_online_for_just_sex/
If you are interested in the actual sites I mention (or this new one that I hadn't heard of), that's where to find them.

I've written before about married folks "fooling around" and philanderers. Here are the links:

http://www.find-a-sweetheart.com/blog/item/married_and_wanting_to_fool_around/
http://www.find-a-sweetheart.com/blog/item/friends_with_benefits_yikes/
http://www.find-a-sweetheart.com/blog/item/resources_just_for_married_folks_fooling_around/

To summarize: I'm not in favor of affairs, but I am in favor of getting these folks off the sites dedicated to helping singles who are seriously looking for monogamous, long-term relationships. And as we have seen over and over on the Net, if there is a market for a product, a business will pop up to serve it. As long as people are interested in adultry, you'll find others willing to provide the service. Let's just promote honesty.

Best, Kathryn Lord

[Nannette Thacker]

As a Christian, I totally disapprove with what these adulterers are doing, and it's disgusting how the internet is full of pornography, swinger's sites and now adulterer's sites. But I have to admit, I would rather these people go to those sites than try to join mine under false pretenses.

On our site, we ask their marital status, and Married is definitely one of the choices. Not because we approve of married people seeking a mate on our site. Not at all! But because we use this category, along with their reasons for joining, to daily purge members who join for this reason. They don't belong on our site and we remove them as soon as they join. Well tell them that our site is a conservative Christian site and we don't wish to encourage that behavior.

We also ask if they like pornography for the very same reason. If they select that option, we remove their account and suggest they go elsewhere.

So if you fill out our profile, we don't ask it because we approve of it, we ask it so we can keep our site conservative, wholesome, and provide a database of conservative Christian men and women with integrity.

God bless,
Nannette
http://www.ChristianSinglesDating.com

[Frank Polancic]

From my perspective "cheating" happens way before someone gets married.

For instance a coachee of mine - revealed that every relationship she's been in - she's been cheated on! 2 marriages too.

Through less than an hour of coaching, she uncovered that because her mom divorced her dad and left him, she decided to feel bad about it and recreate that in her relationships ever since. She created that " she's bad and unworthy" so I'll allow men to cheat on me.

She said she had the perfect dad and felt her mom had the perfect husband.

She absorbed something from her childhood from her parents relationship and sort of relived it.

Point - Once she saw how she was being about it, she could end this cycle. She is now happy and confident knowing she ended this cycle.

I'm trying to abridge/simplify this comment.

bottom line - Once someone sees where the pattern is coming from and clears it away from their own " vibe " they can complete the past and move into a faithful relationship.

How cool is that?

My clients commitment was to put an end to being cheated on.

Interesting.

Wouldn't it be nice if it were this simple?

Frank Polancic
Soul Mate Coach

[MInTheGap]

In our society and culture it seems that we're more than willing to live and let live based on market influences. This seems true with the current crop of replies as well-- "They're going to do it anyway, might as well give them an outlet."

I'm concerned for this logic. Should we allow outlets for other vices because there is a market? Should we have sites that help you to be a better theif? A better child molestor? A better rapist?

Whould we condone something that is wrong simply because there's a market, and if we set up a place for them to do it in safety that makes it all better?

Most people know that it's wrong to break a promise-- and most people know that marriage is at its root a promise. Why we should encourage people to break promises is something I have no clue-- except it caters to our selfish lust.

[Mark Brooks]

Agreed, but man has always teetered on the edge of morality and pushed every possible bound. Marriage is just one more bound for mankind to challenge. I wonder how this challenge will turn out? What state will the institution of marriage be in in 30 to 50 years in the USA?

Mark Brooks
Online Personals Industry Analyst
http://www.onlinepersonalswatch.com

[MInTheGap]

It's hard to say. Certainly there will always be some that practice it the way it was meant to be. If current trends continue, I would not be surprised at either more cohabitation or a revival of traditional marriage (depending on the stage of the pendulum effect).

we shouldnt judge someones actions from your blog if we dont know what the full story is.

Best Regards,
Jeremy
dating - online4love.com

[rosane Yates]

I don't think cheating is right, but at the same time I wonder if we are meant to be monogamous for life. Perhaps, like one of our readers said, we are living an era of total discontentment with ourselves, looking for happiness in things that don't exist, through the excitement of a new relationship, just like some people fall into drinking, drugs or uncontrolled spending.
Sites that promote affairs are picking up on our insecurities and personal crisis to take advantage of, whilst at the same time, offering a safe escape. Most people who cheat are not exactly unhappy with their partners, they are just bored. Not necessarily of their spouses, but of themselves, their lives. They need a buzz to cope better with their daily routine, or with a possible middle-age crisis, whatever the reason, they can't appreciate what they already have.
They need to find peace within themselves first, before they leap into an affair. On the other hand, it's not easy to be creative and keep the spark and chemistry going, no matter how much you love your partner.
So, what's the answer to monogamy? Does it really exist, or does it work for some people only? Or is non-monogamy mere lack of inner estability and true sense of happiness? And I'm not talking about people who are truly unhappy with their relationships.

[Housewives dating]

Im a married house wife, my husband works away for weeks. I find that married dating sites are safe way for me to enjoy my self with like minded people.

[married dating]

I been sending traffic from my website to ashley for 2 years and im suppised on the number of married women and men that are married dating each other.

Marry brooks post wonder where marriage will be in 30 40 years, girls dreams used to be getting married, now it the last thing on there minds and the way they see guys is so different to how my mum and her mum where as a girl growing up.
I wonder!

[Women Who Cheat]

Some people are gonna cheat regardless, they should look for other people of the same nature.